“In a society where rigid sex-role differentiation has already outlived its utility, perhaps the androgynous person will come to define a more human standard of psychological health.”
-Sandra Lipsitz Bem, 1974
In 2011, a Toronto-based couple received global media attention for their decision to not reveal the sex of their newest baby Storm Stocker-Witterick. They wanted Storm to decide what gender to identify with, irrespective of the designated sex. An expanding community of such progressive parents have been attempting to raise their children outside of the gender binary. These children, known as ‘theybies’, are being raised in a gender-neutral environment in an effort to allow them to come to an understanding of their own gender identity, free from the influence of gender stereotypes. Parents seem to adopt this ideology in varying extents as they see fit, from encouraging children to dress however they like to giving them androgynous names. As the evils of gender stereotypical upbringing become apparent in emotionally stunted men and systemically domesticized women, gender-neutral parenting has started becoming an increasingly acceptable parenting style. This is further endorsed by celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Will Smith who appear to be encouraging androgyny and creative gender expression in their children. Despite its recent popularity, this approach to child rearing is by no means a novel phenomenon.
The underlying ideology of gender-neutral parenting can be traced back to the feminist thinkers of the 1970s who first questioned the desirability of traditional gender roles. One such notable thinker at the forefront of the feminist movement was Sandra Lipsitz Bem. Bem was a U.S. psychologist and a feminist icon credited with conceptualizing ‘psychological androgyny’. Best known for her contributions to the psychology of gender, Bem questioned the gender polarized ways of thinking and reconceptualized masculinity and femininity as independent dimensions. In a landmark article, she proposed the Bem’s Sex-Role Inventory, a test that classified individuals as masculine, feminine, or androgynous based on their endorsement of stereotypically masculine or feminine traits. Bem theorized that psychological androgyny, an integration of both masculine and feminine traits, is the most adaptive sex role orientation one could have. This argument has garnered a lot of supportive evidence over the years. For instance, Pauletti et al. (2017) found that androgynous children have higher self-esteem and a reduced pressure for gender conformity. Therefore, they may be more likely to base their behaviour on interests and competencies rather than gender appropriateness, which is conducive to a fulfilling life.
During the latter part of her career, Bem moved away from the concept of androgyny, and chose to examine how gender socialization occurs to begin with. In the domain of developmental psychology, the process of acquiring sex-appropriate preferences, skills, personality attributes, behaviours, and self-concepts is known as sex-typing. Theories of sex-typing differ across different schools of thought. For instance, psychoanalytic theory suggests that sex-typing occurs as a result of the child’s identification with the same-sex parent while the social learning theory claims that sex-typing is a learnt outcome based on imitation and reinforcement. Bem proposed the gender-schema theory of sex-typing. According to her, sex-typing occurs as a child encodes and structures information using an evolving gender schema as a prescriptive standard. The theory presupposes the existence of a gender schema — a cognitive structure to organize and assimilate gender related information, and guide their perception of the world. Since it is a learnt phenomenon, gender schema is modifiable. Thus, society’s imposition of a rigid gender dichotomy can be diminished by curbing gender-schematic processing in children.
One could argue that instead of undoing the damage perpetrated by sexist beliefs internalized in the formative years, it would be far easier to nip them in the bud. To that end, Bem provided a number of strategies to raise gender-aschematic children in a gender schematic society. The gender-neutral parenting practices followed today bear more than a passing semblance to these strategies. Some common guidelines revolve around eliminating gender cues from a child’s social environment and limiting exposure to stereotypical behaviour. Regardless of their sex, children should have both trucks and dolls among their playthings and be allowed to pick out their clothes from both the girls’ and boys’ aisles while shopping. Children’s nurseries should be designed to be vibrant and engaging, instead of the restrictive cliches of pink or blue themes. Parents can divide the domestic chores or take turns cooking, driving, and dressing the children for school. Parents may censor books and television shows that propagate gender stereotypes or teach their children to question these. Alternatively, parents can actively seek out learning materials devoid of stereotypical content. In addition to gender-neutral names, gender-neutral pronouns like ‘they/them’ or the Swedish ‘hen’ can be incorporated into everyday language.
Parts of the U.S.A and Sweden are now providing birth certificates with a non-binary ‘X’ rather than male or female, if the parents choose so. Several global brands like Lego, Mettel (toy brands), and Banana-republic (clothing brand) are doing away with gender-coded products. The trend also seems to be catching on in urban India, among millennial parents wishing to break away from their own gender-discriminatory upbringing or pass on their liberal one. ABEA chairperson Nirja Birla explains that gender-neutral parenting will render the stereotypical constructs of silent male providers and gentle female nurturers redundant, allowing men and women to adopt any gender roles they are comfortable with. A spokesperson for the cause, Birla believes that gender-neutral parenting can help make children become more rounded and well-balanced adults.
Raising gender-aschematic children in a gender-schematic society is just as much a struggle today as it was in Bem’s time. Parents are likely to be deterred by the inevitable pushback from a gender-conformist society and there is a very real possibility of bullying. Gender non-conforming boys are particularly vulnerable to the homophobic rhetoric. Needless to say, it is important for both parents and children to be prepared for criticism and insensitive remarks, and have coping strategies in place. While there are bound to be people who oppose this parenting style, there are also those who respect and admire it. Bem was of the opinion that the society should stop projecting gender into situations irrelevant to genitalia. Regardless of public reception, it is time we stopped letting the society tell our children who they can or cannot be.
Isha Puntambekar
