“Wanting positive experience is a negative experience; accepting negative experience is a positive experience.”- Mark Manson
We have often been nudged to focus on the ‘brighter side’, to resonate with ‘good vibes only’, or to be grateful that we do not have as “worse as others.” While these are some thoughts that are a by-product of an optimistic mindset, let’s pause and ponder, if they are subjective, and if they depend on context and intensity. In a fictional scenario, you failed your exams, and are feeling disappointed. No matter how hard you try to focus on the ‘brighter side’ you will not feel happy because your concern is genuine and your emotions are valid. Anyone will feel the same way! But if you try to forcefully feel positive, you are suppressing and invalidating your true emotions without tackling the issue, which will further make you feel bad - which is toxic positivity. This cycle will continue until you have adaptively dealt with the problem at hand (not being able to qualify for the exam). But, if you let yourself feel disappointed and acknowledge the situation as it is, you may be better able to cope with the problem and frame better responses (understanding the areas you need to work on to perform better- which is positivity. Now it does not mean that feeling grateful or finding the silver lining is a bad thing, the only caveat is to consider the context as well.
How does Toxic Positivity Differ from Positivity?
The two responses to the previous issue are the core difference between positivity and toxic positivity. Toxic Positivity is defined as the act of rejecting or denying stress, negativity, or other negative experiences that exist. The Psychology Group defines toxic positivity as the “excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.” While positivity means having an optimistic outlook, and acknowledging reality with an expectation that things will go well. Positivity allows us to keep a positive mindset while acknowledging the negatives and practically dealing with the current situation, but toxic positivity forces us to just focus on the positives no matter what the situation, by suppressing or ignoring distressful emotions.
Thought and Emotion Suppression
There is one thing I request you to do: Don’t think of chocolate ice cream!
I am pretty sure you did think of chocolate ice cream. This is precisely what thought suppression is and how it may ironically rebound.
Researchers asked one group of participants to not think of a white bear for 5 minutes and asked the other to think of a white bear. Later, the first group (which was asked to suppress the thought) was instructed to think of a white bear. Interestingly, the group (that was asked not to think of the bear) thought of a white bear more than the other group who had been asked to think of a white bear from the start. This shows that thought suppression led to more thoughts. It is precisely what happens when we try to suppress our negative emotions: they rebound with more intensity, making us feel the opposite of what we had intended to.
It is seen that in situations that we can control, cognitive reappraisal (altering the meaning of the situation and emotions) leads to worse psychological health and can even be maladaptive compared to uncontrollable situations. For example, in the case of a pandemic (uncontrollable situation), it may be futile to change the situation and the only thing we can manage is our emotions. Thinking that others have it worse can be harmful. Contrarily, in controllable situations, like failing an exam, it might be helpful to use problem-focused coping to change the situation by working harder.
How does toxic positivity affect our mental and relational well-being?
This approach of thought/emotion suppression that comes with toxic positivity can be deleterious to our mental and emotional well-being. It can create a bridge between how we are actually feeling and how we might want to feel, thereby making us feel worse. It can also lead to increased anxiety, depression, and overall worsening of mental health. Instead, thought/emotion acceptance allows us to deal with the problem and negative emotions adaptively. We learn to accept the situation as it is, reflect on our feelings, and frame practical solutions to deal with the issue.
It's interesting to note that toxic positivity can affect our relationship quality as well. In one of the studies it was shown that spouses higher in dispositional optimism (generalized expectancies that capture a belief about the future that is relatively stable across time) experienced fewer declines in marital wellbeing than spouses higher in situational optimism (confidence that one will experience good outcomes and encounter few problems in a particular life domain). This is harmful if a distressful situation were to arise, as people may not have the necessary constructive skills to cope with the problem, putting the couple at risk for poor marital outcomes.
How to tackle toxic positivity?
1) Mindful Reflection: We can start reflecting on our initial responses and accompanying emotions when a stressful situation arises. Instead of judging them or trying to alter them, we can just be present in the moment. It will disconnect us from the idea of immediately assigning a response to an event.
2) Validation: Validation means acknowledging and accepting emotions as they are without filter, which can help us point towards our true feelings, allowing us to understand that every emotion and thought has a worth.
3) Reframing: We can shift our perspective by reframing toxic positive ideas by asking ourselves how does a distressful situation actually make us feel? What is my body feeling? Am I feeling what I am saying? Then shifting our views from overly positive to positive and practical, and stating what we are feeling, and what we can do to feel better in our own time.
Growing up in a culture that strongly espouses ‘happiness first’ can condition us to believe that we always need to feel ‘right’, but that too can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. For our well-being, it becomes necessary to move out of the loop, by deliberate practice of acknowledgement and acceptance.
Arushi Srivastava
