For as long as the concept of love has existed, so has the concept of heartbreak. A breakup brings with it a myriad of emotions; rawest of them all being grief. Conventionally, the word grief may be strongly associated with death but it is also a significant part of breakups. A breakup signifies loss. The loss of companionship and expectations about the future. The ‘heartbreak syndrome’, states that grief after a breakup is akin to grief associated with death. A breakup can mimic feelings of bereavement such as intense sadness and intrusive thoughts. Drawing on these similarities, it wouldn’t be too far-fetched to apply the stages of grief to a breakup.
There are 5 stages of grief following a breakup. Denial, the first stage of grief allows you to process the suddenness of the situation and acts as a comforting buffer. However, it is short lived, as anger, the second stage, swiftly replaces denial. Anger in this context could be directed towards oneself, one’s partner, or even toward the situation that led to the breakup. As satirical as it may sound, anger helps! Anger can help attain a sense of empowerment, realization and help regain lost self-esteem.
Bargaining, the third stage, is most heavily documented in pop-culture. Bargaining could best be explained as the infamous urge to text your ex, “can we make this work?”. Bargaining attempts to hold on to the last string of hope at reconciliation. When bargaining is not fruitful (for the greater good, dare we say!), the fourth stage -- depression comes in. While usually short lived and necessary to move on, psychologists suggest keeping a keen eye on this somber state. When dealt with in a healthy manner that allows for self-compassion, depression gives way to the final stage of grief: acceptance. Acceptance does not imply sudden freedom from pain or nostalgia, nor does it mean that you have completely moved on (as many romance novels would like you to believe). This stage simply implies acknowledgment of the situation and most importantly, begins the process of healing.
A breakup can be initiated by either partner or is sometimes a difficult, yet mutual decision. But regardless of who initiates it, a breakup surprisingly impacts us on a deeper level than we would assume or even be cognizant of!
Over the years, cinema has bombarded us with a classic breakup trope –the relationship ends, the protagonists usually go on an ice cream or alcohol fueled bender (or the “healthier” alternative- excessively working their way up to a promotion), and finally, a glorious sunset where the protagonist finally breaks free of the pain and moves on with a clean slate.
Well… safe to say that isn’t the case when it comes down to reality. Losing a relationship may not always be a sudden decision; sometimes a relationship could fizzle out gradually over a period of time. Regardless of how the relationship ended, the emotional, physiological, and psychological effects remain more or less the same.
The emotional after effects of a breakup come to mind first. Emotionally and psychologically, a breakup can range from pain and sorrow to disbelief to relief. Contrary to what pop culture might portray, there is no scheduled pattern to these emotions. Coping with these emotions varies based on the individual–some may allow for space and self-compassion, some displace feelings of pain onto others, some suppress emotions and some may use the negative feelings associated with a breakup and turn them into productive behaviors.
Resentment and gratitude are two polar opposite dimensions that are interconnected after the end of a relationship. A partner may feel resentment and abandonment immediately after the breakup but with time, this resentment may turn to gratitude towards the former partner for making tough decisions that allow space for growth or for ending a toxic situation.
How one experiences the psychological impact of a breakup could boil down to the initiator of the breakup. Research shows that the partner initiating the breakup usually associates the breakup with positive outcomes such as a sense of relief, reduced anxiety, and hope. However, negative emotions such as guilt, regret, loneliness, and feeling responsible for abandoning their partners are often reported. On the other hand, the jilted partner experiences feelings of shock, hopelessness, depression and often, a blow to their self- esteem.
Studies show that a breakup can also have immediate and lasting effects on your physical health. Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, and restlessness being the most commonly reported symptoms. A more scientific path would lead us down the rabbit hole of neurotransmitters. Termination of a relationship can affect how neurotransmitters and hormones respond- a lack of serotonin can lead to insomnia, lesser energy, loss of appetite. An increase in stress hormones lead to feelings of anxiety. Impact on one’s immune system and blood pressure are hidden effects of a breakup along with loss of energy (that makes us want to wallow under the covers for hours). Exercise, good sleep, and healthy meals (barring the occasional pint of ice cream) are helpful in regaining physical strength after a breakup.
An interesting study on the evolutionary perspective of breakups, shows that the initiator faces social rejection and blame from peers for terminating the relationship, especially if their significant other was well-liked within the social circle. The effect a romantic split can have on one’s social life, is arguably an area that is often overlooked. Some of the most common social struggles an individual faces after a breakup include diminished work productivity, a loss of interest in social activities, and reduced motivation to leave the comforts of their home.
While the focus of this article has been on the science behind breakups, there is no denying that breakups are hard and go beyond the scope of science. So if you are going through or have been through a breakup, give yourself a healthy dose of self-compassion, surround yourself with loved ones, find yourself a confidante, and maybe grab that bowl of ice cream?
Kaavya Iyer
