Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that can be seen in different relationships and settings. In gasligthing, the abuser manipulates the situation in such a way so as to trick the victim into not trusting his or her own memory. The manipulation by the abuser is intense to the extent that the victim starts believing whatever the abuser tells him or her irrespective of one’s own experience of the situation. Some statements that are often used and that represent gaslighting are: “It’s all in your head,” “Why are you making things up?”, or “Are you sure about this, you usually have a bad memory.” The term “gaslighting” originated from the 1938 British Play Gas Light, where the husband makes attempts to make his wife believe that she is not in sound mental health by using manipulation as a technique and making her question her sanity and perceptions. The plot of the play revolves around an upper middle class British couple - Mrs. and Mr. Manningham. The male protagonist manipulates the female protagonist to the extent where the female protagonist starts to question her own sanity and leads her to believe that she is unfit mentally. The play was adapted into a movie originally in 1940 and has many other adaptations as well.
It can be better understood with examples in the form of movies and TV shows from popular culture. Gaslighting can be seen in many kinds of relationships, but including romantic ones. For example, in the episode The Kerkovich Way from the show Happy Endings, Alex with the help of Jane tries to convince Dave that something that he is certain happened the previous night did not happen at all. This is one of the many shows where the techniques of gaslighting are explored and executed with the idea of creating confusion and humor and the characters using these techniques have little insight into the damage that they could be causing.
Gaslighting techniques used by an abuser in relationships:
There are various gaslighting techniques used by abusers, which make gaslighting difficult to identify. Some of the techniques are:
1. Withholding: In this technique the abuser shows lack of understanding, refuses to display emotions and fails to listen to what the partner wants to say. For example, “I don’t want to listen to this nonsense.”
2. Countering: Here the abuser calls into question the victim’s memory and the reliability of the memory even if the victim remembers things correctly. For instance, , “You thought about this previously and you were wrong then and you are wrong now.”
3. Blocking / Diverting: The abuser is using this technique when he or she tries to change the subject topic of the current conversation and starts questioning the victim’s thoughts, perceptions and indirectly again gains control of the conversation. For example, “I’m not going through this again, where do you even get this nonsensical ideas from?”
4. Trivializing: Using this technique the abuser makes the victim believe that his/her thoughts, needs, beliefs are not important. For example, “Are you going to let this stupid thing come between our relationship? Is this more important to you than our relationship?”
5. Forgetting and Denial: Here the abuser pretends that he does not recollect things or denies that things have actually occurred. For instance, “You are making this up, I never agreed to anything like this.”
Another setting where gaslighting could occur is the professional one, where it can be used as a technique to gain power and control.
The French film Amelie (2001) is another example from the popular culture where the female protagonist who works at the store where she manipulates Collignon who is her boss and is seen using gaslighting, directly paying homage to the play “Gaslight,” where she changes his light bulbs to dimmer ones. One more example is where she swaps Collignon’s shoes to a pair which is completely identical but a size smaller. Her intentions which started as being benevolent with the purpose of making Collignon realize that he should treat his workers nicely soon turn as abusive. Her tricks become more elaborate, more cruel, and done purposely to drive Collignon to start questioning his own sanity. This can be understood from the scene where Amelie convinces Collignon to have a mental institution on speed dial.
Similarly, gaslighting also can be seen in family dynamics. Gaslighting in this setting may most probably take place in the form of the parents or a parent being the abuser and the child being the victim. Children are vulnerable to be an easy target for victims as their worldview is limited and they are greatly influenced by their parents. For instance, in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, particularly in one scene, Harry’s uncle tells Harry that he is imagining seeing a flying motorbike, even though magic is real in that universe, and there is a flying motorbike that Harry rode. His uncle here is trying to gaslight him in an attempt to “manipulate the magic out of him.”
The 1996 movie Matilda is also an example where gaslighting is seen in family dynamics, but with a twist. Here the child protagonist uses her supreme intelligence and telekinetic powers to manipulate her abusive family members and especially her abusive headmaster Miss Trunchbull. It is a rare instance where gaslighting is used by a child against those in power and with higher authority.
As can be seen from above, gaslighting is seen in various settings. To identify if one is being a victim of gaslighting Dr. Robin Stern has devised a set of signs that facilitate the process of identification. As per Robin Stern, Ph.D., below are signs to identify if you are a victim of gaslighting:
You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself constantly if you are too sensitive.
You often feel confused and crazy.
You are always the one who is apologizing to your partner, boss, parent.
You don’t seem to understand why you are not feeling happy.
You often make excuses for your partner’s behaviour in front of your social circles.
You start withholding information from friends and family to avoid giving explanations, excuses and justifications.
You know something is going wrong but you are unable to express it.
You resort to lying.
You experience trouble making simple decisions.
You get a feeling that you were a very different person than you are now.
You feel hopeless in situations.
You feel as if you are incapable of doing anything right.
You wonder if you are “good enough” for others.
You start withholding information.
After understanding the signs of being gaslit, the immediate question that may come to one’s mind is that, “Do these abusers have something in common?” “What is their motive behind leading someone to question their own sanity and perception?” “What do they get out of it?” The answer to some of these questions is that, there is indeed something common that is present in gaslighting abusers. Gaslighting abusers are usually seen to have narcissistic traits and they use gaslighting as a tool to manipulate victims for personal gains, control the victims completely without them knowing and making them helpless. Psychotherapist and author Chrisitne Louis de Canonville talks about how narcissists use gaslighting to manipulate their victims to gain complete control and how it is very difficult to identify if one is being a victim of gaslighting.
Being a victim of a type of emotional abuse causes trauma on an individual. It becomes imperative for one to understand how to move on in life after this traumatic phase is over. Research studies have shown that to defend oneself from gaslighting and to recover from gaslighting the victims should not internalize the negative emotions induced by the abuser, it is also important not to feel hatred towards the abuser as hatred is toxic. After moving out of the toxic relationship the victim should maintain homeostasis by allowing oneself to feel healthy negative emotions, then move on to feeling positive emotions and think positively about oneself.
Divya Mirani
