In a country where a major chunk of the adult population has a silent relationship with mental health, the words “therapy” and “counseling” are considered privileged vocabulary and a western concept. Young Indians are slowly identifying, normalizing, and destigmatizing the idea of seeking professional support at times of mental distress and are now more open to the idea of a psychologist or a therapist. In the current scenario, pre-parental counseling would sound an absurd and alien term, especially in the Indian context, where parenting is often viewed from a point of entitlement more than a delicate and profound responsibility.
Many of us have now been accustomed to the word pre-marital counseling, which is emerging as a growing trend in urban India and is even being held with great importance in many communities, from a sociological and religious perspective. Couples undergo counseling sessions to not only understand, but lay-out their anxieties regarding topics like sex, children, compatibility, conflict resolution, and most importantly, to identify and correct weaknesses and behavioral issues that could, later on, lead to damaging issues in the marriage. If marriage requires careful preparedness and guidance, then so does the crucial role of parenting.
Most adults of the current generation have understood parenting from the way we have been parented. Our parents have often modeled the behavior of their own parents, along with the influence of specific belief systems, attitudes, thoughts, and feelings that are activated during their journey as a parent. And these have a powerful impact on the early upbringing, socio-emotional, and cognitive development of a child. Pre-parent training involves understanding “parenting styles” - the ‘how’ of parenting- how parents interact, discipline, communicate, and respond to the behavior of a child in the process of primary socialization. Moreover, it also includes resolving issues in one’s own marriage, behavior, and mental space before welcoming a new individual into the family. Pre-parenting counseling supports and guides parents/to-be parents on issues like
separation or divorce, child behavior, and development, aggression or violence which leads to issues of family tension, confidence or self-esteem, substance abuse, teenage issues, etc.
Through programs like co-parenting counseling, couples counseling, divorce adjustment therapy, anger management, substance abuse rehabilitation, and counseling, parents gain a better understanding of their parenting styles, face, and eventually conquer their personal issues to bring more peace and harmony to the family. These interventions help deal with all parent groups, including those who face marital issues, are undergoing a separation, are dealing with aggression and abuse, etc. Today, parenting has shifted from the age-old idea of “Fathers know best” and authoritative upbringing to a more collaborative approach. Children model the behavior of their parents in the early years. What parents do is more important than what they say.
However, why is this important right now? Studies have shown that adverse childhood experiences (ACE) in India significantly determines the relationship between childhood experiences and whether an individual will be functional or dysfunctional in adulthood. Early emotional trauma changes who we are, and affects not only the child’s socio-emotional, but even their brain development. Experiencing neglect, (physical or sexual) abuse or chronic, unpredictable toxic stress in childhood predisposes us to an array of chronic physical and mental health conditions in adulthood. Most of us have experienced ACEs in one or the other form in our early upbringing in the form of neglect, mentally distressed parents, stress due to physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence against the mother, or conflict in the parents’ relationship with each other. Research suggests that children who have experienced four or more ACEs are likely to experience higher rates of suicide attempts, early drug abuse, develop depression, engage in adult smoking, and/or have heart, lung, and liver diseases. What is then important to know is that ACE is reversible. One of the key solutions in preventing and healing effects of childhood adversity is through strategic interventions in parenting skills and family relationship approaches.
Pre-parental counseling and training should be given as much importance as any other job-training and must be made mandatory and easily accessible to couples intending to have children and new parents. Parents need to be fully aware of the lasting impressions they leave in a child’s upbringing and understand the psychological aspects of dealing with child and adolescent behaviors at different developmental stages of the child. The negative impacts of physical punishment, authoritative control, and neglect in child-rearing is a matter of great concern, with the current rise of mental health issues among young adults, which can often be traced back to their childhood experiences. The focus of parenting should not solely revolve around providing the right resources, security, and education to children, but an environment of warmth, care, and the space to grow from their own mistakes. This begins when parenting is seen from less of a task-oriented perspective, and more of an outcome-oriented process that requires deeper understanding and strategic interventions that adapt to the current social systems and cultural contexts. We would not want to take up any job position or role unprepared and untrained for it. Then why not the same, when it comes to raising a human being?
Sara Asfiya Ali
